The Day I Spiritually Died

 Not the actual date or even the year, just the visions of the day's events.

I remember deciding to kill myself at 13, and the feeling felt so good it was scary. I had no more fear or worry I actually giggled all through out the day. I was finally in control of the situation my life had become, wait let me start off by explaining how I came to the conclusion to end it all.

It's the same old story! I was living in a household of chaos, abuse and about as much love as cold sore that never goes away, it just hides until the next flair up. My mother choose to stay with a man that didn't love her or us children but her fear of leaving out weighed the fear of staying.

Our continued downfall as women is thinking we can change a man by staying, instead of changing ourselves by leaving.

I knew even at my age all those years ago it was either he kill her, us or everyone. All the times of screaming and fighting and she always took him back, after a while I started blaming her for our situation because 1 plus 1 will always equal 2.

Put him out and never let him back in " PERIOD'. But, I digress. I just couldn't take it anymore so I had to come up with a a resolution myself. I woke up that morning after another night of no sleeping because he was banging on the door, crying how sorry he was for the night before when he punched, kicked and insulted her and every man she supposedly slept with.

Another day of no school, no friends and the burden of helping with my younger siblings and grandmother. I cried in the bathroom and asked for help from God, of course I went to church on Sunday's at least the days he didn't take drugs and drink the night before.

The answer hit me like a bolt of lighting " go to God and live". In heaven there is only love and beauty no more shame. But how could I do it? and the answer just came to me so easily. Take my grandmothers pills my mom said we should never mess with cause it's dangerous. 

I went to her room and got the pill bottle it was full so I figured she would still have enough to take, that was important to me making sure not to hurt her. So i counted out 10 I remember hoping it would be enough. Once I figured all that out I was so happy, when the thought of killing yourself becomes the best conclusion it's strange how you don't think past the act itself. I didn't think how it would make anyone unhappy or if it would hurt my family.

My only thought was I wont have to live her anymore, where I am going is so much better.

I was so happy all day even my mom noticed and asked why are you smiling so much today? I of course just said I don't know.

I decided to take the pills after dinner because I remember my mom always giving her the pills at night,  swallowed them all. They were small pills and I thought just do it all because I was in a hurry!, I laid on the grass in front of our apartment complex and looked up at the stars. I was talking to God letting him know I am ready and I closed my eyes and waited and waited.

I remember how strange it was that no one was walking outside it wasn't real late but dark, I laid there for a long time and the only thing I felt was queasy and a little dizzy. After awhile I knew I wasn't dying and I felt so utterly defeated and alone, I got up walked in the back door and there was my mom and step dad in the kitchen laughing while she was cooking him something to eat. She looked at me and said go bathe and get ready for bed you have school tomorrow. 

I just walked and did what I was told like a robot and when I got in the bed my only thought was " even God doesn't want me" and I died inside. I no longer believed God loved me as they said in church, I felt nothing anymore no shame or love not even hate. Until I got older and really started understanding God's word I realized I did die that night "Spiritually".